Forgetting the old or goth rock pioneers and the sciatic nerve

Words by: 

Alfred Goodnote

DAD ROCK BRAD

Blight Bigsby

Madame Lasagna

Maybe I should just accept the fact that I will never be in complete control. Even now as I ride the ferris wheel we call life—and I am actually sitting in a ferris wheel car—I know that my mind will never let me write an actual music column. 

It’s been months, months of shock and misery. Sometimes I awake with words carved in the table about rock stars and bands I’ve never heard of. Let’s face it. Nobody will hire a reprobate with a mind like a haunted house.

And why should they, Alfie? What have you done? You don’t even know how to tune that guitar you bought back in 2007. It just collects dust in your flat, much like the recesses of your mind. Without us you’re nothing. Just a line on an abstract puzzle. 

Maybe you’re right Blight. Maybe I should just hang up the quil and give up.

Oh bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch. That’s all you ever do Alfred. You bitch and moan and have us secretaries come to clean up the mess of your mind. You have a job to do. A job you were hired to do. We keep popping up because you have no courage – nothing that gets you up in the morning. Years ago it was heroin, but there was already one Lester Bangs and you don’t even shine a candle to him. So tell us what’s going on in the music world you bitch. 

Well, Jim Steinman passed and he was one of the most prolific composers of our time. He wrote all the Meatloaf hits like “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That).” Oh and some Celine Dion stuff.

Perhaps there’s a reason we don’t let you near this column, Alfie. You have about as much enthusiasm as a pediatric hunger ward. You are right though. Jim Steinman is dead, but he shouldn’t be remembered for Meatloaf or Celine Dion. Also that Meatloaf song is without a doubt about pegging. 

Steinman also penned one of the greatest goth rock jams of our time. I’m of course talking about “This Corrosion” by The Sisters of Mercy. Love them or hate them, without that track, goth industrial would not be as big as it is today. 

Is goth industrial actually big? All I know about goth rock and the Sisters of Mercy comes from Edgar Wright. Y’know Shaun of the Dead and The World’s End?

Yes Brad we have all heard of Edgar Wright and we’re all sooo impressed. It doesn’t surprise me that you don’t know about this subgenre due to the fact that your musical repertoire is nothing but hard rock one hit wonders and Cheeto dust. 

The problem with you guys is you’re always reminiscing on the past. About past rock stars that did something in ‘77 and ‘93. Listen to the now man. Listen to Daniel Romano’s newest, “Kissing the Foe.” 

This boy has released more albums than his age. I think he’s in his 30s or something but he’s done everything from country to post punk whankery. I’d say he’s on par with Jim Steinman. He sure dresses better than him. 

This newest outing is like dazed country-orchestra rock-folk-Americana all wrapped up in a little bow. This kid just shits out music—almost as much as those king wizard gizzard guys—and it’s always quality. Like who throws a three minute 40s inspired orchestral number on a folk rock album? He does. It’s like ELO for the youngins.

This year alone he’s had three releases already under different projects names. He also has a habit of doing digital only albums and keeping them on the interwebs for like a month and then taking them off. So unbeknownst to you, you could really be enjoying one of his bandcamp albums one day and Boom! She’s gone. Gone like the wind and my sciatic nerve. I’m still choked about never buying his Nerveless record.


Madame Lasagna. I must say, you might have the best music taste out of all of us and you’re in, what, your 80s?


Blight, there’s a reason I keep my age a secret. As they say, when the age is in, the wit is out. Do yourself a favour a stop eulogizing old white men who made music a hundred years ago. Throw on some Daniel Romano, a young man from butt fuck nowhere, also known as Welland, Ontario. Anyways, smoke a fat one and listen to Kissing the Foe, cause it could be gone by tomorrow.