Dazed & Slightly Amused Vol. IV 

Blood shoes and local smoke shows vs the Bourgeoisie


Words by: 

Alfred Goodnote

DAD ROCK BRAD

Blight Bigsby

Madame Lasagna

Well here I am … getting older all the time. Looking older all the time, but feeling younger in my mind. That verse was written by a poet of ska punk yore. It’s the coldest story ever told and it depresses me so, but at least I have my column. 

Oh the tyranny of drifting on this boat along the open coast while the words spill out of my brain like mayonnaise and bologna on a hot summer’s day. At least I have eons to sit here and perfect my art. I really want that job at AV Club, so writing this column is bound to show them I mean business. 

But do you Alfie boy? Do you? Have you actually written a word since this Keep Times hired you? Or has it been us? You’re better halves. You’re partners in crime that come and save your ass every time you have a nervous breakdown. Which seems to be bi-weekly. You must be sweating like a hooker in church right about now huh? 

And like that, like a moth to a repugnant flame, he’s gone. Gone the way of the dinosaur, but don’t tell that to Alberta’s next generation. No sir.

Repugnant? Why Brad I didn’t know you knew the word. You seem more scholarly as of late. Is there a reason? Do tell.

I don’t know. I had a pretty easy week. Took the miscreants I call children to a socially distanced ice cream parlour. Screamed at No Frills anti maskers from the window of my Ford. Oh and I blasted some “Foreplay Longtime” as I bought a pair of blood shoes. So yeah, pretty normal week. I guess I’m just learning a new vocabulary. I suddenly really want to take up pole dancing too so I’m using my kids tuition money to get set up on that.

And what are blood shoes?

Oh some cowboy named Little Nicky made a deal with the devil and sold some kicks with a drop of blood in them. No big deal.

Oh you mean that Lil Nas X rapper. Yes I read about him. Releases Old Town Road, becomes a gay cowboy and then kills Satan. Seems like there’s nowhere but up for that lad. 

And it seems these shoes have given you a new meaning in life Brad?

Yeah I’m wearing them right now and even though it makes Jesus cry, I feel like I’m on top of the world. And really wanting to learn to pole dance. Maybe it’s that “Montero” music video from Lil Nicky. It inspired me to really show the world who I am. 

I’m proud of you Brad. It does seem that those shoes have indeed corrupted your soul, but maybe that’s for the best. You were a simpleton who loved dad rock and now you’re a charlatan who loves hip hop.

Oh I still love dad rock. Right now I’m on a Nolan kick. Joe Nolan—the local Edmonton smoke show himself. 

He is dreamy isn’t he? Sounds and looks like a young Leonard Cohen before the speed. 

Leonard Cohen did speed?

Oh yeah. In fact, I’m the one who sold it to him. Cafe Olympia Montreal baby. You could get anything back then. 

I forget Madame, how old you are?

Just keep forgetting Blight. Just keep forgetting. That’s what that new track “Lowlights” from Nolan helps me do. Forget. Forget the turmoil of the world and just listen to an intimate boy shedding his soul for three minutes. The world could use a little more of that.

Also, Brad, nobody wants to see you pole dance and those shoes will soon be a relic. Nike has sued the company who made them. 

Once again, as Joe Nolan croons, the “Bourgeoisie still sing in harmony.”