The Non-Fungible Blues & A Bit of Cosmic Sex Jazz
DAD ROCK BRAD
Well shit. We’re back. Ol’ Alfred was still trying to write this music column but it seems he’s split. On the lam just like Tony Soprano. So you’re stuck with me again. Blight.
Although these days I’m going by Blight XIXI ÆNon. That’s my artist name for my NFT album, Fettuccine Revolution Blues. It’s a four-hour digitally rendered piece of music that sounds like a dishwasher on speed. You hear the odd sound of a clinking glass, pasta water, and an out-of-tune trumpet. All-appliance, all-the-time. I’m going for a real appliance post punk sound with this one, if you catch my drift. I even featured that one artist who eats glass, so eat your heart out Death Grips.
And aren’t you lucky? It can be yours (although not really) for 70,000 clams. I can tell you the secret, y’know. I can tell you how to make and sell an NFT album. If ol’ Musky boy can then you can. If Kings of Leon can, so can you.
Ole’ Musky boy – Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
It might sound like the whole world has smoked a whole plate of DMT, but yes. A major rock band is selling an NFT album. I even think that guy with the mouse head did it for kicks.
Here we go. Step one: Make the song, electronic art, or just use the goddamn Beeple Generator. Yes, it’s a thing. Look it up.
The guy with the mouse head – Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
As for music, I find really droney shit works to please the masses. So think garburators, old stove burners, blenders, Bop Its…
Have you seen what they’ve done to our beloved Bop It, Blight? They’ve massacred it. They’ve massacred my boy. I was going to buy one for my shit kid Sam and show him the glory of Bop It. I used to crush that shit like it was going outta style. Bit of weed, cough syrup, and an Olympia and boom! I was the Bop It king. People used to worship at my feet. But yeah, they changed Bop it into a complete abomination.
Classic Bop It – Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
That’s great Brad. Please. Do tell more. We are all so interested in your conquering of a 90s children’s toy. Of course the readers want to know more about Bop It instead of how to get rich with the latest internet music trend – Cryptotunes.
Well, as I was saying. Go for the droney stuff that is indiscernible as music. That’s the stuff that sells.
Step two: Invest in Ethereum. I don’t know how you’ll do it because this stuff isn’t cheap right now. You could go for some cheaper cryptocurrency but that’s just not fungible.
That was a joke. Anyways, 50 bucks gets you like 0.005ETH, but it doesn’t matter. Once you buy a couple NFT albums yourself, people will flock to you as a distributor. See? The music doesn’t actually matter. It’s all about the ownership.
I mean, just listen to the new Kings of Leon… It’s fine at best. I’ll say it right now, those boys peaked at Aha Shake Heartbreak.
You’re telling me that Aha Shake is better than Only by the Night? Sex is on Fire? Use Somebody? Hogwash, Blight. Those guys are at least still making rock n’ roll.
Are you guys really debating Kings of Leon shit right now? What is it? 2008? I couldn’t give less of a fuck about NFTs or Kings of Leons selling their album as one. I listened to their latest on the Youtubs and it seemed pretty fungible to me.
Did you just steal my joke you piece of shit? You… you pond scum. You human oyster. How about I come to your house and show you and your kids the real meaning of Bop It?
Look. You guys gotta just chill and throw on the new Busty And The Bass. It’s me, Madame Lasagna, and I am just tickled pink with this new EP, ET Suite. Cosmic sex jazz is how I’d describe it. NFTs be damned, these Montreal kids know how to groove. It’ll send you to Mars and back, minus the Perseverance. I’m still reeling from the overall power of their Eddie album.
Perserverence – Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
It was my wish to just retreat into a dark opium den until this pandemic quits, but this new EP has made me want to live again.
Well shit. If Madame Lasagna says to check it out. I’m going to do that.
Wow, this is killer. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. NFTs. Don’t bother with ‘em. It’s just a fad that’s slowly killing the environment while clowns like Musk get richer. Instead, get lost in the cosmic sex jazz.