Blasphemy Boys and Art Punk for Telling your Kids the Facts of Life

Words by: 

Blight Bigsby

Madame Lasagna 


Carmen Chromatik

Well, here I am. Just I, Blightinimus Bospheramus, rotting in this accursed cell, while the Polish government seals my fate. And all because I called my latest album The Dysentery of Christ. I suppose the album art consisted of Jesus defecating on a few nuns while a church in the background catches fire, but so what? I’m an artist godammit and a damn good one. How can they call that blasphemy anyways? It’s art. 

Also, why were you on my Instagram if you knew my band was called Whale Decapitation? What did you think it was going to be? Sunshine and eternal rainbows? I’m hardcore, lady. I spit on Christianity and its values and everybody knows it. It’s not like I’m an elephant with porcelain legs. My ideals are front and centre for those who wish to see them. I cant believe some Karen decided to complain to Papa Secret Police Polish who then lost their shit. Let’s all make Blightinimus out to be the scapegoat. Jesus, this country is so full of shit. I wonder if he actually hears what I have to say?

I do. You should have signed up for Nergal’s gofundme page. Oh I’m sorry Blight or Blightinimus now … I can never keep track of your wandering alias. By day you’re a mailman. By night you’re in a black metal band?

Anyways, you probably already knew about ORDO BLASFEMIA? So basically, Nergal of Behemoth has been charged with blasphemy three times. Once for ripping up a bible on stage. And it was Gideon’s Bible. That’s a quip for all of you Fab Four lovers out there. Anyways. Nergal has said this time it might possibly mean jail time. Actually, his story is quite similar to yours, Blight. Four people complained about his Instagram post of bootfucking a painting of the Virigin Mary. Well, bootfucking is a little strong but the sentiment is the same. So yeah. He might be thrown in jail, so he started a gofundme to pay his bills, potential bail, and to pay off any other artists blasphemy charges. And that little kickstarter has already raised £37,000.

You’re probably saying to yourself, there can’t be that many blasphemy charges right? Well there are. And they’re all in Poland. In fact, since 2020, Poland has filled 29 indictment charges. That’s double the 2019 charges. And there are many reasons for this, but the main one is Poland’s government going for the Catholic-daddy-of-the-year medal.

Even with all the allegations of child abuse in the Polish Church? 

Yes, Carmen. Even with that. The Polish government and Prime minister Mateusz Morawiecki have been trumpeting about this “culture war against Christianity” since 2017 and people like Nergal and our boy Blight are witness to the sickle. Poland isn’t the only country that still has outdated blasphemy laws, but they are the only ones who choose to enforce them. 

You know who hasn’t been charged with blasphemy? Those sultry dudes called Fitness. I’ve been blasting Full Well on repeat while I drive the kids to soccer practice and holy shit do those bois rip.

You’re driving your kids to soccer practice during a pandemic Brad?

Yeah, it’s more like I bring them out into a field and blast Fitness while they kick a ball around and I tell them the facts of life over a Pil or eight. I blast a little RUSH, a little Clapton, and now, Fitness. 

Like just listen to “December ‘98.” It’s like the first time I solved a Rubik’s cube. The guitar makes me want to crush a bull and yell at traffic. I also play “Priests Feet” whenever my kids won’t shut up and I tell them, ‘This is what will happen if you don’t go the hell to sleep.’

Father of the year right here. But you’re right Brad. My personal favourite is “Coal Miner.” Love to be their coal miner’s daughter if ya know what I mean… “Knowing” also has some trippy Brian Eno shit and that really twists the ol’ nips in all the right ways.

Anyways it’s a miracle that we’re still getting some aggressive art punk nowadays because many bands really fail at it. Just pushing some jazz chords together and quoting Bukowski doesn’t make you an art punk. And I know what I’m talking about. I used to roadie for the Violent Femmes back in the day.