by RH Hook

Coming every other week, straight from the horse’s mouth, I will be giving people the advice of their lives. The advice you thought you never needed regarding questions you never thought you’d ask to put you on the path you never saw yourself going down. 

If you have a question/need some advice/just want to see your voice in print, find me on Instagram (@rhhook) and splurge. I’m looking to monetize. 

Let’s go!

How do I tell Karen that it wasn’t me who cancelled Dr. Suess […]?

But it was. Don’t you remember?
It was dusk, on a Monday in January – the year two thousand and three.
Boy bands were out; emo was in.
And Dr. Seuss….
Well, that was a whole other chestnut.
But we agreed.
Then,
On that sweet dusk night,
That we would refer to each other as Karen.
And you would never lie to me.
And you would never lie to yourself.

How can I get past the 5th level in Candy Crush Saga?

Right – Left – Left- Up – Up – X – 🔺 – 🔺 – X
This is also the code to unlock the tank in Grand Theft Auto Vice City.
If you need more help, your best friend from middle school, Kenny, has a bunch of cheat codes written on the back of a receipt.

Montana’s Baby Back Ribs – Courtesy of Montana’s

How can I convince my fellow countrymen that holding church services is more important than literally anything else?

Convince Jason Kenney.
It’s easy.
Butter him up with Baby Back Ribs from Montana’s Cookhouse, slather them in oil, serve them off an oil worker’s ass cheeks and call him Sally.

I am wondering A or B?

Both x 2.
Then you got ABBA .

How can I improve my toilet aim while peeing when I am inebriated?

A bigger toilet.

How do I get worse at playing the xylophone?

Have kids – then you’ll never have enough practise time to get good at it!

Shaggy – Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

What are your thoughts on filing taxes?

As a pseudo-anarchist-communist-prep-school-kid, I just heed the advice of Shaggy: Say “It wasn’t me.”
Then wait for my trust fund to kick in.
You’ve got that, right?

How does one get out of debt?

We’re all in debt to something.
Make sure you’re investing in yourself first and foremost.
When it comes to finances, go after it aggressively.
Don’t compare yourself to anyone else and go easy on yourself.

RH Hook is a professional journalist and part-time hypnotherapy enthusiast.