Voltrons, Fine Hunniez, and the Fake Priests of the Temple of Syrinx

Words by: 

Alfred Goodnote 

Dad Rock Brad

Gob Shoegays

Carmen Chromatik 

Blight Bigsby

Madame Lasagna 

DAD ROCK BRAD

Here we are, on this god forsaken transit system, ripping down a school zone in the dead of night. We’ve been put up to a simple task: report the music news for The Keep Times. I’m Alfred Goodnote, and today you’re with me. 

Or are you?

Brad please, I’m trying to work. I have this great opportunity to talk to the kids about some tunes. 

Ah yes, but you’re with us now, daddy. You’re on our terms. Dad Rock Brad here, and I’m here to tell you about a lovely Canuck named Kim Mitchell. I only started drinking soda after hearing this sexy pi….

Brad! That’s enough. I’m trying to tell our viewers about The Mars Volt….

VOLTRON!!!

A truly fantastic 90s program for the kids… Hey kiddies. Gob Shoegays here and let me tell you how much I love Voltron – brought to you by the G-Units themselves, TOEI Animation. It combines all the right elements, cooks ‘em up nice and forms robots. It’s like a wet dream in reverse. 

Wet dream in reverse? That sounds hot. Since I’m the only one here without a dick, I’m just gonna take over for you, Alfred. The Mars Volta dropped a teaser today for something. Then we find out it’s a complete vinyl discography with deep cuts for… £439?!? Guvn’r. I tell you, those Mar Bars really butter my eggroll. Especially Cedric. What a dreamboat Annie.

Eggroll, Carmen Chromatik? 

I just wanna tell the kids that we might have some inertiatic Latin prog rock coming down the pipe, and it makes me giggle like a school-girl, Blight. This band would release their whole discography, then record a new EP on the same day for kicks. 

Man, I remember listening to those guys when I was getting stoned inside Vic’s basement. They’re like the sonic equivalent of Max Ernst. Hey everyone, Blight here, and I’m taking over.

Do you guys remember Frances the Mute? Fuck, it’s like losing your viriginity all over again. 

Guys. Please, I’m really just trying to get a word in here, and the bus ride is really ba…

Bad Buddy. That’s right folks, YEG’s fiery surf punk meets riot grrrl tribe dropped a new music video last Tuesday called “Fine Hunniez.” It’s the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas, the drunkard’s whisky. They basically burn down a house and scare the hell out of me in all the right ways. It’s good to feel fear.

Madame Lasagna here, and I’m new. Old Alfred has no idea that I’m here but listen to me. If you don’t show some love for Bad Buddy, I’ll find you and show you why they call me Madame Lasagna. These chicks rip. Yes, I know, there’s a meatball in the band, but seriously. Some of the best surf punk to come out of the ole chuck. Bad Buddy can cut glass with their eyes and are not to be fucked with. 

You know who really chaps my nuts? 

Well, you must be Dad Rock Brad. So legend, are the legends true?

That’s right dolly. Breathe in the stench of my professionalism and witness as I roast a band that bikers, nuns, and owls love, Greta Van Fleet. Yes, the lads have chops. There’s no denying that. But they rip off Zeppelin, a band that ripped off every bluesman south of the Mason Dixon. 

Yet the boys over at Rolling Stone give them praise. And for what? Cause they’re young and hot? Who knows. During COVID, nothing matters.

…..

The stooges have another release coming down. The Battle at Gardens Gate or some such …. 

Yeah, I know. I remember when I read my first T. Pratch too. Anyways I guess the lads let all the Zep comparisons get to them ‘cause now they’re going for Rush. These are the times we’re living in. 

Neil Peart happens to be one of the greatest drummers of all time, Brad. 

Greta Van Fleet’s new album – Courtesy of Republic Records

Yes, Alfred. If you’d let me finish the damn rant… you… you… peon … you serf’s dirge. Go drink a Pil while I tell these readers what they’re not missing. Anyway, so yeah. This is gonna be a little rant, but the singer has the range of a goddamn bottlenose dolphin, yet he decides to make himself sound like Geddy Lee? 

Who’s next? Ozzy? Garfunkel, Bono?

Honestly, they could do it and still have a die-hard fanbase. This is where we’re at in the music business. Behind the melting cones. Where a group of youngins blatantly rip off one of the  most experimental and challenging bands of our time, and Led Zeppelin, and they almost go platinum. The boys should just go fart in a hat – it’d sell. So yeah. That’s what’s wrong with TiK Tok.